Ungarbled headline

- On The Sound of Young America Podcast, Tony Millionaire (one of my absolute favs) discusses how he made a living asking random people if he could draw their house for 25 bucks.

- Common Errors in English. This is a simple yet fantastic website that lists common, uh, errors in English. Example:

YOU’VE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING

Here’s a case in which eagerness to avoid error leads to error. The original expression is the last part of a deliberately ungrammatical joke: “If that’s what you think, you’ve got another think coming.”

- What happened to this VP pick, Obama?

- A cool collection of WWI maps.

- The other day I opened Columbia's webpage to find a video by professor Lincoln Michell. Hey, I'm pretty good at this foreign policy stuff.

What happens with an only child?

I have a very short piece up at McSweeney's today. Check it out here: Notable Moments at the Home-School Prom.

Hey baby, is that a quote from Nietzsche on your lips?

- As my regular readers (wha??) know, I give out regular awards for the best/most absurd Google search that leads someone to my blog... I'm afraid I may have to discontinue it after the following gem:

youtube hannah montana very sexy stuff like kissing and guys with shrits off

The spelling of "shrits" seals it!

- Did you know Mike Mussina writes for McSweeney's?

- Who are you voting for this election? Newborn baby or Democratic kitty?

- Another blast from my past:

The first mistake occurs when
you say, I love you and I reply, oh,
I thought you were going to say you had an STD.

- My current favorite quote:

Everybody has about exactly enough courage to jaywalk or cheat a wife or a friend with a quote form Nietzsche on his lips

~Barry Hannah

Blast from my past

Hey, why not? Here is something I wrote a year or so ago.

In the event of an attack, always keep in mind most animals are as afraid of you as you are of them. If attacked by a wild animal, instead of running away, why not stand up for yourself for once in your life! At least if the animal is small and you think you can take him. If attacked by a larger animal, like a Grizzly bear, quickly curl into a non-threatening ball. Then tumble away to freedom (this only works on hills).

Shine down floppy ones

Well... my Hannah Montana headline is causing my hit count to soar. And I don't even know who she is... the WWE wrestler Billy Ray Cirus's adopted daughter or something?

Oh well.

- Tom Tomorrow teaches us how modern satire works.

- Ichiro has a potty mouth with a winning spirit.

- Here is a hilarious Esquire piece on Ikea by Mike Sacks.

- This has made the internet rounds, but it is still pretty funny: Rejected Michael Bay script for The Dark Knight.

GENERAL:
But which one of the internets do we hack?

BRUCE:
All of them.

Hasta Manana Hannah Montana

- I'm sure you've all seen the controversial Obama New Yorker cover. I don't have much of an opinion. It is a fine concept for satire, but not executed terribly well (the situation isn't quite absurd enough considering what some people truly do believe about Obama.)

However, I like Ruben Bolling's take on the issue.

- Mr. Bolling also has a new Super-Fun-Pax Comix out.

- Although someone apparently takes issue with it.

- Speaking of fake right-wing cartoons, no one does it better than The Onion.

- Speaking of politics, if you haven't checked it out FiveThirtyEight.com is really the best site out there for polling data and analysis.

- The most awesomely absurd movie trailer I've seen in quite awhile: Outlander.

- There are so many obvious jokes here, but I'll try to abstain: Playboy to do "Girls of Olive Garden" spread.

- Real life former Olympic sports. I guess the Olympics used to take a lot of cues from American Gladiators:

Swimming obstacle race (1900): Racers had to swim through the River Seine, climb up and down a pole, then go over and under several boats.

One-hand weightlifting (1896): Similar to the modern snatch event, but athletes were only allowed to use one hand.

Tug-of-war (1900-1920): Two teams of eight try to pull a rope six feet; if neither team reaches the mark after five minutes, the team that pulls the farthest wins.

Duelling pistol (1906): Shooters fired at mannequins wearing frock coats and bull's-eyes on their chests.

Getting back in the groove

Sorry for the absence. Here are some things:

- It isn't all that often that you get to see David Foster Wallace appear in a comic strip, but anything is possible on the internets.

- My good friend Grier aka King Vitamin has his new album up for online listening. Check it out.

- The bread bag twisty tie conspiracy is true!

- One extinction I'm pretty excited about: The banana.

- Being a bit of a slow reader and having a problem with starting collections and not finishing them, my new year's resolution was to read 50 books this year. They have to be read completely from front to back. I'm a tad behind, but here is what I got so far:

The Aspern Papers – Henry James
How the Water Feels to the Fishes – Dave Eggers
Hard to Admit and Harder to Escape – Sarah Manguso
The Bloody Chamber - Angela Carter
The Art of the Possible – Kenneth Koch
Crying of Lot 49 – Thomas Pynchon
American Psycho – Bret Easton Ellis
Erasure – Percival Everett
Chronicle of a Death Foretold – Marquez
Venus Drive – Sam Lipsyte
Minor Robberies – Deb Olin Unferth
A Fan’s Notes – Frederick Exley
Captain Maximus – Barry Hannah
The Angle of Yaw – Ben Lerner
The Voice at 3:00 AM – Charles Simic
All the Pretty Horses – Cormac McCarthy

Of these, my favorites were:

A Fan’s Notes – Frederick Exley (simply one of the best books I've ever read. The Great Gatsby meets Charles Bukowski... or something. Pick it up.)
The Bloody Chamber - Angela Carter (A few of these were sub-par, but most were excellent. Twisted retellings of popular fairy tales.)
Venus Drive – Sam Lipsyte (Killer stories.)

I also quite enjoyed the Deb Olin Unferth, Cormac McCarthy, Gabriel Garcia Marquez and Charles Simic. Four authors I always admire.

- Lastly, the future of male contraception is part cyborg, part car door lock:

A surgeon inserts a silicon chip into the vas deferens. A key fob sends out RF waves, just like the key to your car. The silicon chip converts the RF into acoustic waves, which in turn induce movement in the material, allowing it to expand and seal the tube. Sending another pulse from the key fob lets the material contract allowing sperm to pass.

High on NOON

Friends, family and foes, NOON magazine will be having its annual reading slash party on the 14th of this very month.

The Mercantile Library
17 East 47th Street
April 14 at 6:30

with readings by
Clancy Martin
Dawn Raffel
Christine Schutt

Please RSVP with the Mercantile library if you would like to come... which you should.

How you got here

Top five google searches that brought someone to this blog in the last month:

5. fancy woodcuts
4. teething jewelry and blog
3. disease for patients
2. baby teether pictures. indian
1. snickers commercial song lyrics king lear

--

- Also, I have a short piece in the current issue of Quarter After Eight magazine (although they haven't put the new issue's information up online yet.)

Collecting Lincolns?

Yesterday someone tried to add me as a friend on Facebook. I didn't recognize the name but clicked on their page anyway. It was some random girl I didn't know and she only had a few friends. However, all of her friends had the first name "Lincoln."

!?

Have I been stalked by a Facebook Lincoln Collector?

I'm big in China....

Ever wonder what diligent post-Maoist Chinese students read when they want to study English?

Me!

Or at least I have a story in the above anthology published by Shanghai Foreign Language Education Press that I just received in the mall. This is honestly the coolest piece of mail I've gotten in forever. (The above book is basically the same as the following American published anthology except it also includes study questions. Yes, I have study questions, thank you very much)

---

- Also, in case it got buried amongst the DMX rantings, I have four poems up in the current issue of Night Train.

Salty, not stirred.

- First up I have for you not one, not two, not even three, but an entire four poems for your perusement (that word is trademarked.) They come courtesy of Night Train issue 8 volume I.

- I try to stay out of politics on this blog, but I must say I can't help myself at this whooper. Hillary Clinton claimed that when she landed in Bosnia as first lady she had to run from sniper fire (!!) for her life and didn't even get a greeting ceremony. The only problem is that Sinbad (yes, that baggy pants 90s comedian) who was with her (as was Chelsea and Sheryl Crow) didn't quite remember it that way, nor did anyone else involved.

Hillary stuck to her guns, but then someone dug up the news footage of the landing. No fire. No running. A big ceremony with the president and even a little girl reading poetry.

I hear Michael Bay might direct the Hillary version though.

- One more political thing. XXL magazine interviewed DMX recently. He is that rapper who likes to make dog woof noises on his songs. Apparently he doesn't keep up on politics too much.
(Note: He is married to someone named Tashera and has kids with names like Tocoma and Javon Micai)

Are you following the presidential race?
Not at all.

You’re not? You know there’s a Black guy running, Barack Obama and then there’s Hillary Clinton.
His name is Barack?!

Barack Obama, yeah.
Barack?!

Barack.
What the f**k is a Barack?! Barack Obama. Where he from, Africa?

Yeah, his dad is from Kenya.
Barack Obama?

Yeah.
What the f**k?! That ain’t no f**kin’ name, yo. That ain’t that nigga’s name. You can’t be serious. Barack Obama. Get the f**k outta here.

You’re telling me you haven’t heard about him before.
I ain’t really paying much attention.

I mean, it’s pretty big if a Black…
Wow, Barack! The nigga’s name is Barack. Barack? Nigga named Barack Obama. What the f**k, man?! Is he serious? That ain’t his f**kin’ name. Ima tell this nigga when I see him, “Stop that bullsh*t. Stop that bullsh*t” [laughs] “That ain’t your f**kin’ name.” Your momma ain’t name you no damn Barack.

So you’re not following the race. You can’t vote right?
Nope.

- This is currently my favorite thing in existence.

Woodcuts are back by indifferent demand

- Who is the better writer, Clinton or Obama? (Hint: It's Obama)

- The Morning News's Tournament of the Books bracket is out.

- You Have Time For This (Amazon link), a rad anthology that includes one of my stories, has a YouTube ad up with some very dramatic music.

- Finally, Tom The Dancing Bug explains the origin of Super Delegates.

Like Rip Van Winkle, this blog reawakes the same but with a beard

I had to resist posting for a bit so I didn't turn this blog into a series of rabid political rants. Things will be starting back up soon.

In the meantime, here is a There Will Be Blood / Kelis mash-up for your enjoyment.

:)

Election Time

Popping one in before the new year

Last lick of Lincoln lowdown ere the latest year lapses out of life:

Vol. XXVIII Number 1 of the Mid-American Review has come out. It features two short pieces of mine that were finalists (and Editors' Choices) for the 2007 Fineline competition. My old pal Rachel Pearson also has some work included. Check it out.

Next year we will be bigger, harder, faster and stronger.
Till then...

No, these random woodcuts don't have any special meaning

Two quick updates on me:

1) I forgot to post this before Wed, but last week my humor piece A Letter to New Members of the Gamma Eta Fraternity was posted on The Big Jewel (a great humor site). The piece is archived at the above link if you fancy a gander.

Every frat brother needs a seashell necklace, but not everyone can afford one. Try spray-painting a few conchiglie pasta shells white and threading them with an old shoelace for a neat alternative that won't strain your wallet!

2) My poem This will only hurt a bit was nominated by Night Train for a Pushcart. Here is their blog post announcing the various nominees. So a thank you to Night Train, that is very flattering!

Other random things:

- Ruben Bolling (Tom the Dancing Bug) illustrates what would happen if Cormac McCarthy wrote the screenplay for Toy Story.

- The NBCC is going to start monthly book recommendations.

- Maud Newton versus Gawker.

That's all folks (I wish I had an ASCII picture here of a pig blasting through your computer screen)

You Have Time For Me

- You Have Time For This, a flash fiction anthology that includes one of my own short pieces was published recently by Ooligan Press. Link goes to Amazon. The collection looks very slick and nice and features many cool, young and hip writers like Steven Almond and Deb Olin Unferth. Check it out.

Speaking of Deb Olin Unferth, someone animated one of her stories over at Salon.com.

- The Washington Post has an odd article on Boomer writers. Notice anything wrong with this quote:

"Vonnegut was the American Mark Twain. He even looked liked him.[...]" says J. Michael Lennon, the literary executor for Mailer,

Really? The American Mark Twain? You don't say.

Small update, but I promise there is more on the horizon, oh ye patient readers!

I ain't normally so behind on the internets

Well, I hate to say it but I've got nothing better to do than post internet fads from ages ago (or last week in internet life) for you people.

First up: Hip-hop lip-syncs to children's TV shows.

Best of the bunch is Crank that Soulja Boy mixed with Barney.


I'm not going to embed the following, because too many vids makes things messy, but also check out Soulja Boy Winnie the Pooh version, Spongebob's "This is Why I'm Hot" and the Teletubbies "Walk it Out."

- The Mastodon intro song for the ATHF movie is also worth a watch.

- Stephen Colbert had a NY Times Op-Ed piece recently that is pretty great.

Let me regurgitate: I know why you want me to run, and I hear your clamor. I share Americans’ nostalgia for an era when you not only could tell a man by the cut of his jib, but the jib industry hadn’t yet fled to Guangdong. And I don’t intend to tease you for weeks the way Newt Gingrich did, saying that if his supporters raised $30 million, he would run for president. I would run for 15 million. Cash.

- Did you ever know how much Carlos Santana can shred?

- Here's an article on the guy dubbing concert footage with horrible guitar work. The Metallica video is also good.

- Lastly, the lady Rozalia is blogging for KGB bar now.

More to come... at some point.