Getting back in the groove

Sorry for the absence. Here are some things:

- It isn't all that often that you get to see David Foster Wallace appear in a comic strip, but anything is possible on the internets.

- My good friend Grier aka King Vitamin has his new album up for online listening. Check it out.

- The bread bag twisty tie conspiracy is true!

- One extinction I'm pretty excited about: The banana.

- Being a bit of a slow reader and having a problem with starting collections and not finishing them, my new year's resolution was to read 50 books this year. They have to be read completely from front to back. I'm a tad behind, but here is what I got so far:

The Aspern Papers – Henry James
How the Water Feels to the Fishes – Dave Eggers
Hard to Admit and Harder to Escape – Sarah Manguso
The Bloody Chamber - Angela Carter
The Art of the Possible – Kenneth Koch
Crying of Lot 49 – Thomas Pynchon
American Psycho – Bret Easton Ellis
Erasure – Percival Everett
Chronicle of a Death Foretold – Marquez
Venus Drive – Sam Lipsyte
Minor Robberies – Deb Olin Unferth
A Fan’s Notes – Frederick Exley
Captain Maximus – Barry Hannah
The Angle of Yaw – Ben Lerner
The Voice at 3:00 AM – Charles Simic
All the Pretty Horses – Cormac McCarthy

Of these, my favorites were:

A Fan’s Notes – Frederick Exley (simply one of the best books I've ever read. The Great Gatsby meets Charles Bukowski... or something. Pick it up.)
The Bloody Chamber - Angela Carter (A few of these were sub-par, but most were excellent. Twisted retellings of popular fairy tales.)
Venus Drive – Sam Lipsyte (Killer stories.)

I also quite enjoyed the Deb Olin Unferth, Cormac McCarthy, Gabriel Garcia Marquez and Charles Simic. Four authors I always admire.

- Lastly, the future of male contraception is part cyborg, part car door lock:

A surgeon inserts a silicon chip into the vas deferens. A key fob sends out RF waves, just like the key to your car. The silicon chip converts the RF into acoustic waves, which in turn induce movement in the material, allowing it to expand and seal the tube. Sending another pulse from the key fob lets the material contract allowing sperm to pass.

High on NOON

Friends, family and foes, NOON magazine will be having its annual reading slash party on the 14th of this very month.

The Mercantile Library
17 East 47th Street
April 14 at 6:30

with readings by
Clancy Martin
Dawn Raffel
Christine Schutt

Please RSVP with the Mercantile library if you would like to come... which you should.

How you got here

Top five google searches that brought someone to this blog in the last month:

5. fancy woodcuts
4. teething jewelry and blog
3. disease for patients
2. baby teether pictures. indian
1. snickers commercial song lyrics king lear

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- Also, I have a short piece in the current issue of Quarter After Eight magazine (although they haven't put the new issue's information up online yet.)

Collecting Lincolns?

Yesterday someone tried to add me as a friend on Facebook. I didn't recognize the name but clicked on their page anyway. It was some random girl I didn't know and she only had a few friends. However, all of her friends had the first name "Lincoln."

!?

Have I been stalked by a Facebook Lincoln Collector?

I'm big in China....

Ever wonder what diligent post-Maoist Chinese students read when they want to study English?

Me!

Or at least I have a story in the above anthology published by Shanghai Foreign Language Education Press that I just received in the mall. This is honestly the coolest piece of mail I've gotten in forever. (The above book is basically the same as the following American published anthology except it also includes study questions. Yes, I have study questions, thank you very much)

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- Also, in case it got buried amongst the DMX rantings, I have four poems up in the current issue of Night Train.

Salty, not stirred.

- First up I have for you not one, not two, not even three, but an entire four poems for your perusement (that word is trademarked.) They come courtesy of Night Train issue 8 volume I.

- I try to stay out of politics on this blog, but I must say I can't help myself at this whooper. Hillary Clinton claimed that when she landed in Bosnia as first lady she had to run from sniper fire (!!) for her life and didn't even get a greeting ceremony. The only problem is that Sinbad (yes, that baggy pants 90s comedian) who was with her (as was Chelsea and Sheryl Crow) didn't quite remember it that way, nor did anyone else involved.

Hillary stuck to her guns, but then someone dug up the news footage of the landing. No fire. No running. A big ceremony with the president and even a little girl reading poetry.

I hear Michael Bay might direct the Hillary version though.

- One more political thing. XXL magazine interviewed DMX recently. He is that rapper who likes to make dog woof noises on his songs. Apparently he doesn't keep up on politics too much.
(Note: He is married to someone named Tashera and has kids with names like Tocoma and Javon Micai)

Are you following the presidential race?
Not at all.

You’re not? You know there’s a Black guy running, Barack Obama and then there’s Hillary Clinton.
His name is Barack?!

Barack Obama, yeah.
Barack?!

Barack.
What the f**k is a Barack?! Barack Obama. Where he from, Africa?

Yeah, his dad is from Kenya.
Barack Obama?

Yeah.
What the f**k?! That ain’t no f**kin’ name, yo. That ain’t that nigga’s name. You can’t be serious. Barack Obama. Get the f**k outta here.

You’re telling me you haven’t heard about him before.
I ain’t really paying much attention.

I mean, it’s pretty big if a Black…
Wow, Barack! The nigga’s name is Barack. Barack? Nigga named Barack Obama. What the f**k, man?! Is he serious? That ain’t his f**kin’ name. Ima tell this nigga when I see him, “Stop that bullsh*t. Stop that bullsh*t” [laughs] “That ain’t your f**kin’ name.” Your momma ain’t name you no damn Barack.

So you’re not following the race. You can’t vote right?
Nope.

- This is currently my favorite thing in existence.

Woodcuts are back by indifferent demand

- Who is the better writer, Clinton or Obama? (Hint: It's Obama)

- The Morning News's Tournament of the Books bracket is out.

- You Have Time For This (Amazon link), a rad anthology that includes one of my stories, has a YouTube ad up with some very dramatic music.

- Finally, Tom The Dancing Bug explains the origin of Super Delegates.

Like Rip Van Winkle, this blog reawakes the same but with a beard

I had to resist posting for a bit so I didn't turn this blog into a series of rabid political rants. Things will be starting back up soon.

In the meantime, here is a There Will Be Blood / Kelis mash-up for your enjoyment.

:)

Election Time

Popping one in before the new year

Last lick of Lincoln lowdown ere the latest year lapses out of life:

Vol. XXVIII Number 1 of the Mid-American Review has come out. It features two short pieces of mine that were finalists (and Editors' Choices) for the 2007 Fineline competition. My old pal Rachel Pearson also has some work included. Check it out.

Next year we will be bigger, harder, faster and stronger.
Till then...

No, these random woodcuts don't have any special meaning

Two quick updates on me:

1) I forgot to post this before Wed, but last week my humor piece A Letter to New Members of the Gamma Eta Fraternity was posted on The Big Jewel (a great humor site). The piece is archived at the above link if you fancy a gander.

Every frat brother needs a seashell necklace, but not everyone can afford one. Try spray-painting a few conchiglie pasta shells white and threading them with an old shoelace for a neat alternative that won't strain your wallet!

2) My poem This will only hurt a bit was nominated by Night Train for a Pushcart. Here is their blog post announcing the various nominees. So a thank you to Night Train, that is very flattering!

Other random things:

- Ruben Bolling (Tom the Dancing Bug) illustrates what would happen if Cormac McCarthy wrote the screenplay for Toy Story.

- The NBCC is going to start monthly book recommendations.

- Maud Newton versus Gawker.

That's all folks (I wish I had an ASCII picture here of a pig blasting through your computer screen)

You Have Time For Me

- You Have Time For This, a flash fiction anthology that includes one of my own short pieces was published recently by Ooligan Press. Link goes to Amazon. The collection looks very slick and nice and features many cool, young and hip writers like Steven Almond and Deb Olin Unferth. Check it out.

Speaking of Deb Olin Unferth, someone animated one of her stories over at Salon.com.

- The Washington Post has an odd article on Boomer writers. Notice anything wrong with this quote:

"Vonnegut was the American Mark Twain. He even looked liked him.[...]" says J. Michael Lennon, the literary executor for Mailer,

Really? The American Mark Twain? You don't say.

Small update, but I promise there is more on the horizon, oh ye patient readers!

I ain't normally so behind on the internets

Well, I hate to say it but I've got nothing better to do than post internet fads from ages ago (or last week in internet life) for you people.

First up: Hip-hop lip-syncs to children's TV shows.

Best of the bunch is Crank that Soulja Boy mixed with Barney.


I'm not going to embed the following, because too many vids makes things messy, but also check out Soulja Boy Winnie the Pooh version, Spongebob's "This is Why I'm Hot" and the Teletubbies "Walk it Out."

- The Mastodon intro song for the ATHF movie is also worth a watch.

- Stephen Colbert had a NY Times Op-Ed piece recently that is pretty great.

Let me regurgitate: I know why you want me to run, and I hear your clamor. I share Americans’ nostalgia for an era when you not only could tell a man by the cut of his jib, but the jib industry hadn’t yet fled to Guangdong. And I don’t intend to tease you for weeks the way Newt Gingrich did, saying that if his supporters raised $30 million, he would run for president. I would run for 15 million. Cash.

- Did you ever know how much Carlos Santana can shred?

- Here's an article on the guy dubbing concert footage with horrible guitar work. The Metallica video is also good.

- Lastly, the lady Rozalia is blogging for KGB bar now.

More to come... at some point.

And lo! The Lord did look unto Adam and say unto him "make like a tree and leave!"

Hello everyone. It is time for my semi-regular Odd Search Awards. Since I got a nifty site meter I can view what google searches people used to get into this page. Here are the best ones from the last couple weeks:

Runner Ups:

"old movie" "penis" "drunk guy"
(Geez. This is like my entire DVD collection.)

aphorisms on ice
(A musical I would certainly pay to see)


hairy chested NFL players

onion teething

poems about teething

How Old is the young boy in Part I of Swann's Way

How far away from sea in the tundra Biome
(I wonder if he was looking for Biodome... I think the penis drunk guy search might have worked for this as well)

Medal Winners:

BRONZE:
nietzsche some people ideas fish pond fossil cabinet
(I can't tell if this guy had something really specific he was looking for or if he just typed in a random string of words and thought what the hell...)

SILVER:
free "magazine bin" -subscription -trial -recycle -Laden
(I feel kind of bad that this guy just wanted a free cool magazine but kept coming up with Al Qaeda newsletters and Environmentalist pamphlets.

GOLD: Bible text "make like a tree and leave"
(You sure that's a bible quote, buddy?)

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- If you haven't heard Marc Ecko (yeah, the urban clothing designer) bought Barry Bond's record breaking ball. He is letting the public vote one what to do with it. Obviously you should go vote for branding it.

- 2007 World Chess Championship is going on right now. I'm rooting for Anand and he is currently tied for first. Follow up on the results here.

- That's it for now.

The book version was better than their first album

- A few days ago I had a little poem up at Juked, if you are interested. It is about ox-carts, summer jobs, the devouring of your enemies internal organs and aged wine.

- Ooligan Press has put up their announcement for "You Have Time For This," a flash fiction anthology that will include the first piece of fiction I ever had published. Looks very nice. Aimee Bender, Steve Almond and others will appear as well.

- The Onion has been amazingly consistent for so long now. Anyway, here is a great article: Pitchfork Gives Music a 6.8

CHICAGO—Music, a mode of creative expression consisting of sound and silence expressed through time, was given a 6.8 out of 10 rating in an review published Monday on Pitchfork Media, a well-known music-criticism website.

According to the review, authored by Pitchfork editor in chief Ryan Schreiber, the popular medium that predates the written word shows promise but nonetheless "leaves the listener wanting more."

- Lastly, while the US Open may have come to a close (you broke my heart Djokovic!), the Wold Chess Championship 2007 is starting up in only a few days. Get excited!

Mother, I am so far away from everything

I am going to be bear hunting in a frozen tundra across the sea for the next week, so don't bother calling or emailing me until I've returned with a furry, bloody hacked-off head in my arms.

In the meanwhile, here is a piece of mine up at Word Riot to bide your time.

Ta ta.

It's the summer of Thomas Bernhard (and yes, it has been a bit depressing )

No matter what he said, he always turned out to have said something libelous, but strictly speaking, you might say that everything he could say about this weird country, with its extremes of inhumanity and irresponsibility all on the increase as they were, could be considered a so-called libel...

~The Lime Works by Thomas Bernhard

- The Elegant Variation has an interesting post up on revisions and Fitzgerald.

- I enjoyed this week's New Yorker Shouts & Murmurs.

The Hawk and the Mouse

A clever mouse is sunning himself in Battery Park, when a hawk swoops down and seizes him in her talons. Whistling through the air, the mouse warns the hawk not to eat him. “Why shouldn’t I?” says the hawk. “Don’t you know,” says the mouse, “that mice are loaded with trans fats?” Alarmed, the hawk releases the mouse and flies away. Several days later, the hawk happens upon an old owl devouring a less fortunate mouse. “Stop!” cries the hawk. “Don’t you know those things are loaded with trans fats?” The owl stops eating and says, “What are you, an idiot?”

Moral: You just can’t argue with libertarians.

- Chris Onstad, creator of Achewood, is interviewed over at The Onion A.V. Club.

- Well, I just felt like it had been awhile since I got a post up. Some pieces of mine are forthcoming from Quarter After Eight, Word Riot and elsewhere. So check back soon... or something.

He is good at tossing and he is also good at holding

- The blogging is starting to heat up over at the Creative Writing MFA Handbook Blog. Get in on the action.

- Two stupid listmania lists I made on Amazon.com while I was bored. Books I Rip Off and the Top 10 Longest Books I've Read.

- Lastly, I have a new piece up at Juked... well a pretty old piece that is newly up at Juked, rather. A Link. It is called Seven Views of Abraham Lincoln's Death and here is a snippet:

Lincoln attending an important diner—
Suddenly his stoic face is bright red in panic:
A chicken bone lodged in his windpipe!
Booth seen fleeing out the back door

I don't blame you for grindin' and shinin'

Okay, last comment on this. My story "Whale Belly" appears in the second annual The L Magazine summer fiction issue. I must say I'm very pleased with the artwork they did for my story. Very rad. You can actually read the stories online(with artwork). Otherwise you can pick it up for free from an The L Magazine bin in the city.